Monkeys stink, literally and figuratively. They are officially my most hated animal. My hatred for monkeys began in India when they ransacked my room during a trip to a national park. Upon breaking into my room they ate everything they could find, including soap, toothpaste, paracetamol and a pencil! What sort of freak animal eats a pencil?!?
During our travels around the country we often see monkeys hanging about being degenerates of the animal kingdom, picking their bums, eating fleas and masterminding their evil plans to take over the world. They keep to themselves and I don’t bother them so we co-exist with mutual disdain. However, on a recent trip we came across one particular offensive vermin ridden primate who shattered our icy truce.
We were taking some friends around Kandy in the central highlands, enjoying a nice stroll around the lake when we decided to buy some ice creams. Lake, ice creams, good friends, it was a perfect setting and lovely way to end the day. Enjoying the last vestiges of sunlight as they shimmered through the willows overhanging the lake, our friend held his ice-cream low by his side as if it was an extension of his arm. Incense burning in the Temple of the Sacred Tooth Relic wafted through the breeze, wrapping us up in its smokey blanket and enchanting us with its sweet aroma. We were floating in the mountain capital, at one with the world.
Unbeknownst to us the scum merchants of the monkey world were lurking all around us, watching our every move, waiting for the perfect time to strike. As we walked they stalked, glistening eyes spying, peering, plotting. Ambling along we were totally oblivious to all that was going on around us and this was when the mangy hairball made his move. With one arm he swung from his hiding spot in the tree and hit the ground, stalking us with his distinctive monkey gait. Without a sound he snuck up beside our friend and wrenched the ice-cream straight from his hand! And it wasn’t just a paddle-pop, it was a Cornetto! A Cornetto.
But the monkey was not done. With total disregard for the code of conduct governing human primate relations he turned to us and barred his rotten teeth, hissing as if to say “today it’s your ice cream, tomorrow your head!” Then as quickly as he came, he launched himself up into the nearest tree and began to devour the ice cream wrapper and all, glaring at us the whole time with his beady evil eyes.
If it’s war you want monkeys, it’s war you will get! You may ransack my room, but you never, ever, take a man’s ice cream!